The year is 2010. Spain wins the World Cup, China launches its second moon probe, and Sex Bob_Omb’s Scott Pilgrim defeats seven evil exes in the name of love.
Yes, Friends, it’s been an entire decade since the International release of Scott Pilgrim vs the World aka Canada’s greatest gift to pop culture since Sloan and Alanis Morisette—kind of. It’s directed by Brit Edgar Wright and stars a bunch of Americans, including Michael Cera, Kieran Culkin, and Jason Schwartzman. But it’s set in Montreal…
Whatever. It’s a damn fine movie and one of the best to emerge from a comic book since Superman and the Mole Men. If you haven’t seen it, stop right now and pop over to Netflix. Then circle back for a quick astrology lesson.
THE ZODIAC AS CHARACTERS IN SCOTT PILGRIM V THE WORLD
ARIES: KNIVES CHAU— “You broke the heart that broke mine.”
When the Ram latches on, there’s no letting go without a clash of the horns. The first sign of the Zodiac is possessive and hates to lose. Sure, Knives takes a few blows, but in the end, this boss warrior comes in HOT to help Pilgrim defeat Gideon. Then humbly encourages him to follow his love, proving herself to be the true hero of this tale.
TAURUS: JULIE POWERS— “They’re called jobs, something a *censored* ball like you wouldn’t know anything about.”
This Venus-ruled sign often gets accused of being lazy. Like “Look at Taurus Bull over there, lounging in the grass, playing with their crystals.” Whoa, Buddy. Capricorn’s not the only Earth sign that knows how to work! Taurus enjoys the good things in life, and isn’t afraid to put in the sweat to get them. Where’s your job, Pilgrim?
GEMINI: STACEY PILGRIM— “You’re right. I should send out a mass text about this.”
Disciples of Astro’s twins are blessed with the gift of gab! And a healthy sense of curiosity. Which makes them great salespeople and storytellers and compelling as hell. Basically, they’re the tabloids of the Zodiac. You say gossip. I say entertainment.
CANCER: SCOTT PILGRIM— “If I peed my pants would you pretend that I just got wet from the rain?”
The thing about this Cardinal Water Sign is they’re all about initiating the sincere feels. Even if that means taking one for the team in the name of creating healthy emotional bonds. Assholes might say Scott was being nervous in the above quote, and they would be wrong. He’s displaying courage and vulnerability. All you other star signs, take note.
LEO: ROXY— “You punched me in the boob! Prepare to die, obviously!”
Dramatic much? The Lion’s known for putting on a performance, but have you ever asked why? Have you considered the fact that they might be doing it to please you? That acting out is their form of devotion. Reality check: Leos love hard and ferocious, and when you break their heart, it hurts.
VIRGO: WALLACE WELLS— “Ah, that sucks, but you know it’s probably just because he’s better than you.”
Does your Virgo friend come off as bossy and impatient? Perfect ain’t easy, bb. Learn to put your feelings aside, and you’ll open yourself up to some powerful medicine: the truth. But… WHAT?! This Mercurial sign is harder on themselves than anyone else. Something to remember when you’re in the jaws of the critic.
LIBRA: ENVY— “Hey Ramona I like your outfit, affordable?”
If Venus were thoughts it would be Libra. Which is to say they’re really into things that please the senses: ideas, clothing, people. This is the scale that’s always seeking divine order of BEAUTY & TRUTH. But what happens when the scales get out of balance? A whole lotta Envy Adams. And they say Aries are selfish…
SCORPIO: GIDEON GORDON GRAVES—“Scotty, you can cheat on all the ladies you like…but you can’t cheat death.”
What other Zodiac sign loves so deeply and passionately that they would curse their love with SEVEN EVIL EXES while still trying to get them back? None. This Mars-ruled sign wrote the book on fixation. Break the scorpion’s bond of trust and expect lethal venom.
SAGITTARIUS: LUCAS LEE— “It’s called a grind, bro.”
Jupiter is the planet of EXPANSION of MORE MORE MORE! This cowboy of the Zodiac is always up for a good adventure. Which is a lotta fun until the party’s gotten out of control and there’s no one to push the breaks! Once again the lighthearted centaur proves too much of a good thing can kill. RIP, Lucas Lee.
CAPRICORN: STEPHEN— “OK, from here on out, no girlfriends, nor girlfriend talk at practice, whether they’re old, new, or ‘new-new’ .. we were lucky to survive the last round, it’s sudden death now! OK!?”
Remember the story of the three little pigs? Two of the piglets were too lazy to properly source materials and their homes went to shit when the wolf came? But that third piglet put in the time and WORK and everyone crashed at his house when they had nowhere else to go. That’s basically the story of Stephen aka Pilgrim’s Capricorn ROCK. Doing all the work for everyone always. Except in this story, he invites the wolf in for dinner, and no one has a good time. #gideon #fail
AQUARIUS: RAMONA— “You just have this convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It’s like three miles in 15 seconds.”
I bet it’s not even a highway. It’s probably a dirt road that Romana has paved over with use. I mean, Romana, have you ever been on a highway? Obviously, your American. But whatever. The thing about Aquarians is they’re always making up their own roads and regulations and then hyping it up until all the sheeple fall in line with their vision.
PISCES: KIM PINE— “Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.”
Did you know it’s possible to have your Sun in Pisces and Venus, Mercury and the Moon in Aries? I mean probably Mars, Jupiter and Saturn too, but that’s some research right there and waaaaaay too much Mars. The point is: Kim, you’re so dreamy, but your fire burns.
You know how people are like “What about the 13th sign?” Those people are idiots. But here’s Virgo again because Gideon is too damn quotable!
VIRGO (AGAIN): GIDEON GORDON GRAVES: “You made me swallow my gum! That’s going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!”
Mercury’s earthy shrine rules the digestive system. It also enjoys facts! Like these: seven years is a Saturn cycle, and Jason Schwartzman has Virgo in Saturn. Think about it. More facts: Virgos care about details because they know if you don’t get the details right, you fuck everything up.
This article is partnered with a Monthly Livestream of ACRONYM of the Zodiac, in which we do deep dives on Pop Culture and mix it with Astrology with Ami Nicole of ACRONYM and CV Henriette of Art of the Zodiac. Check it out here, and be sure to keep tabs on us on all social media accounts to find out when our next live stream will be!